Gifting This Useless Goddess The Title of Heroine!
by hereditus
Summary: The events up to Volume 10 are acknowledged, so don't tell me I didn't tell you when you get spoiled. Devastating offense versus Impenetrable defense? Arch Wizard or Crusader? Nah, enough about them. Let's take on the gods.


Indirectly Spending (Most Of) The Night With These Two Goddesses!

* * *

It was the last night of the 2nd Celebration of the ever lively Goddess Eris and Goddess Aqua Thanksgiving Festival.

Thanks to me, last year's pilot was so successful that it gave a reason and permission for the usually hated Axis Cult to co-host a festival with the docile, kind Eris Cult.

It was the second celebration of the festival I gave so much effort to make happen but this time around, I chose to not participate as Committee chief.

Of course with the milestone we achieved last year and much to my annoyance, I was insisted to apply for Chief again by the committee. They tried to convince me so many times with so many ways but thankfully I managed to decline. If beautiful succubus-onee-sans and increased salary won't hook me in, then nothing will.

That and I declined because this time I just wanted to enjoy the festival for what it was.

"Yo, Eris-sama. How'd it feel to have a one hundred percent win-rate on your own beauty contest?"

Making my way home from the festivities, I met the original reason of the festival. The Goddess of Luck and sometimes my Boss, Eris-sama.

I bid her hello with my waving hand.

"Y-You idiot! I know it's great to win that contest again but sshh, someone might hear you, I'm Chris right now! Chris!"

Chris, who was hearing her real name getting slipped from my tongue, protested with heavy stomps.

Chris was wearing a bit angrier expression than what I was used to but I guess I can't really blame her on that.

The town was at a high alert right now. People were frantically scramming from places to places. The reason was, well, not because of a demon king army general appearing nor was it because of a flying vegetable outbreak but it was because the second manifestation of the Goddess Eris just happened a couple of hours ago. The same goddess who was now standing right in front of me.

"For the Goddess of Luck to cause such a big mischief for the townfolks, she really is Chris the thief, isn't she?"

"A-Assistant-kun!…"

Chris, with moist eyes and clenched fists, pounced on me as soon as I gave her teasing words.

* * *

"Have you calmed down, Boss?"

"Yeah.. I'm a bit tired but yeah, I think I have calmed down."

Chris, in a dejected manner, stared at me and sighed.

"It's been a bit of time since I've last seen Kazuma-san and the first thing he does at our reunion was tease me…"

"Hahaha.., my bad, my bad."

Hmmm, my laughter at Chris' expense aside, now that I think about it, I haven't had time with my Boss recently. These last months were pretty rough on our time on Axel.

Lately, we've been doing errands outside the city like going on missions that Iris entrusted to us and taking on holidays using our own pocket money.

There weren't many times that allowed me to die too so I can't really meet her as her 'Eris-sama' persona either.

The first few days of the festival wasn't an exception also since I decided to spend it together with my partymates, which I didn't have the option to do last time.

-Lately, I really haven't spent much time with my ideal girl, huh?

With that thought in mind, I proceeded to glance at Chris and said to her:

"Nah, Boss. I know the festival's practically over but wanna go on a date?-"

.

.

.

"-Hey, Assistant-kun, thanks for waiting. I brought the drinks."

Upon seeing Chris' sweet smile while carrying the drinks on her hands towards the table where I was sitting, I couldn't help but dig into my pockets and ask:

"How much was it?"

"Oh, money? No, no. It's fine, it's fine. Even though I know Assistant-kun's richer than me, I'm still the Goddess of Luck and the Boss of Assistant-kun so it's fine, really."

Contrary to Chris' cheerful words, she cast a gloomy gaze at the distant.

"Besides, it's a rare occasion for me to have some company to drink with so just let me have the privilege to pay for it."

Chris' words became lonely but much to my relief, her sweet smile soon again reappeared. As she sat on her seat opposite my direction, she energetically asked me.

"Now then, let's start drinking, shall we?"

Chris placed her glass of beer closer to me…

"I guess I can't say no to that."

…to which I nudged the tip with my own drink.

"Even so, to think one of the two Goddesses has to pay for her own drinks at her own festival."

"It can't be helped. I don't want my identity revealed after all. I guess it's something I'll just have to envy from Senpai forever."

"Is that so, Boss. It's a pity then."

Now that Chris has mentioned it, I haven't seen that Senpai of hers today. Hmm, if I had an idea, she's probably at her church freeloading on the Axis Cult's post-festival celebration. Yeah, that sounds Aqua-like alright.

As I took time thinking about some certain troublesome arch priest, Chris caught my attention back with a slight wave of her hand.

"Hey, Kazuma-san. Your drink's gonna get warm if you're just going to space out like that."

Hmm, whatever. If Eris tells me to have some fun, I might as well.

"Alright, alright, I'll drink. Hmmm, once again. To the festival of the Goddess of Luck, cheers."

"Don't forget that it's Senpai's festival too, cheers."

* * *

"Ehhhhhhhh? You two haven't made a move on each other further than that?! Are you two both a bunch of virgin cowards?!"

"Oh trust me Big Boss, it's not like I'm chickening out, it's just that it's really hard to go through with it if Darkness suddenly breaks her ero-masochist character and shows me a face that'll instantly break and at the same time fix my heart. And by the way Boss, you're saying it like you're not a virgin yourself!"

"H-H-Huh?! A-Assitant-kun! I'm a damn goddess, you know! I don't get to have time to waste for things like romance!"

….A drunk goddess and a drunk adventurer was raising voices at each other.

What kind of development is this?

At first, the term 'date' I was thinking was just that of strolling around the stalls of the festival with Chris, casually buying things that will catch our eyes. That was the 'date' I was thinking of..

I suggested that idea to Chris but she herself had a different idea.

Chris stated that she was exhausted from the festival, specifically from the beauty contest she had and its aftermaths, and was only agreeing to go with me if we go drinking instead.

I, who was feeling slightly guilty of tiring her more with my teasing and who had a little bit of an urge to drink myself after a long day, agreed to her without a second thought.

"Hey, Oji-san, bring another glass of beer, will you?"

"Alrighty, Kazuma-kun!"

"Mister, me too! Me too! Give me one more too~"

"Coming up, Missy."

From one large glass of beer turning to two large glasses of beer, to three to four… and it just sorta went downhill from there.

The end result was a drunk me and the Goddess of Luck being as un-goddessly as I have ever seen her.

Currently, we were at our seventh glass.. I think. Well, it's probably the seventh glass, probably?

"Ara, Assistant-kun, is that your limit with drinking? Even without any of our luck involved, you're still going to lose to me? You truly are Assistant-kun to my Big Boss, aren't you? "

Chris, with a bit of a sick expression from her face, exclaimed confidently.

Somewhat taunted by Chris' arrogant voice, I replied while raising the half-full glass I was drinking into the air: "Big Boss, with how you're phrasing that, are you perhaps looking for a contest between us?"

"Assistant-kun, did you not realize that we're already having the contest,? Are you really belittling your boss like that? Hahahaha, well whatever, let's do it! Whoever drinks the most glass wins!" Said Chris as she raised her own glass into the air with a triumphant look on her face.-

"-Ara? Aqua-sama, isn't that Kazuma-san over there? And is it just me or does he look paler than I remember?"

"Oh? It is! It is! Bring me over to him, quickly!"

As Chris and I lay our heads lazily on the table we were drinking on, a couple of people saw us from the distance and came closer.

At the corner of my tired eyes that were starting to swirl a bit stood a couple of girls that I quickly recognized.

One girl had blonde hair and was wearing a blue priest dress while the other had blue hair complementing her also blue dress, that and she had a hagoromo...

...The Axis Cult blonde head priestess of the Axel Branch, Cecily, was carrying Aqua bridal style as she brought the useless goddess towards our table.

As Aqua came near us, the smell of alcohol that was already persisting around our table only became stronger.

"Ah, thanks, Cecily, you can go back now." Aqua, who had red cheeks probably from drinking too much herself in the festival, bid her head priest goodbye. As she finished doing that, she turned her attention to us. "Ah, Kazuma, Chris, hello there... hmmm? What do we have here? Is this a drink-off? This is a drink-off, right?"

"Aqua-san, you reek of alcohol more than I do, please try not to get close so much."

"Ehehehehe…, though, Chris, I didn't know you were quite the drunkard. The two of us needs to drink together sometimes."

"No, no, no. It's not that I like to drink, it's just that I'm a festive type, Aqua-san."

"Ha?, Chris, what are you pleading innocence for? You're as dead drunk as me, you're probably more drunk than that now-sobering up self-proclaimed goddess."

...Two drunk goddesses and a drunk me.

Seriously, what kind of development is this?

* * *

"Welcome back, Kazuma.. Oh, Aqua too, welcome back. Oh, and Chris too?"

"Good evening, Darkness. Mind if I intrude for the night?"

"Oh, good evening, Darkness. By the way, don't bother greeting Aqua, she sounds like she won't be awakened till morning."

I said to Darkness as I take a glance at the unconscious Goddess of Water that I was piggybacking.

With the three of us still intoxicated, Chris and I decided to make our way to the mansion before we lose the ability to help ourselves. With Aqua falling asleep way before she finished the drinks she additionally bought from the stall (Though really, who gets themselves five glasses of beer because someone casually called them 'sobering up self-proclaimed goddess'?), we had no choice but to drink her share and retire earlier in the night.

"I'm just going to drop Aqua by the couch.. nah, Darkness, could you brew some tea for Chris and me?"

"Tea, sure?... Wait, huh? What's with that smell?! I know you guys are drunk just from looking at your faces but by any chance, did you guys bathe yourselves in alcohol!?"

Darkness exclaimed, covering her nose in the process as our tipsy trio came towards her.

"It was just a friendly toast that got out of control, Darkness."

"Yeah, what Chris said. It's just a friendly toast that went overboard, nothing else, so about the tea..."

"I-I understand, sure thing about the tea but you can't put Aqua on the couch."

"Errr, why?"

"That's where Megumin is currently resting."

With Aqua drunk and sleeping like a rock, we had no choice but to carry her home.

As someone who usually piggybacks Megumin whenever she collapses to the ground after using 'Explosion', I offered myself to carry the useless goddess in Chris' place.

This kind of thing wasn't new to me anyway.

Though if there was something I could call 'new' about it, it'll probably be that, compared to the kid who only knew of explosions and vague hints of romance, the girl I'm carrying right now was heavier..

..and, as much I find it weird to praise said girl, 'softer'.

"Well, I guess I should just place her on her bed and be done with it."

I muttered impatiently as I prepare to carry Aqua's body upstairs, leaving the tipsy Chris in Darkness' hands.

Aqua's alcohol-ridden breathe was starting to tickle me, and was in a way making me feel guilty of the fleeting indecent thoughts I just had.

This is bad.. the alcohol in my own system is definitely acting up. This is making me feel uneasy in all sorts of ways.

Cornered by the hormones of my own healthy body, I stopped on my tracks momentarily, and pondered.

Hey, hey, Satou Kazuma, even if this creature on your back is often a useless arch priest who brings misfortunate and attracts the undead, she's still a woman, you know. And a goddess at that!

If someone catches you doing anything indecent to her, not only will you worry about the consequences brought upon by the law, you will also have to worry about divine retribution.

"Agghh, let's just get Aqua off to her bed and sleep this alcohol off,… hmmmm? My, the 'Explosion's today were really that good, huh."

With heavy stomps, I carried Aqua towards the stairs… but right before reaching it, I saw the arch wizard resting peacefully on the couch.

Megumin, who had a blast today, was lying unconscious on said furniture with a genuine smile on her face.

Well.. 'blast' as in literally speaking.

It all started when one idiot in the crowd that was supposed to see the fireworks loudly suggested to have the fireworks displayed at the festival be followed by Megumin's 'Explosion' spell since it didn't cost anything too and was prettier than the fireworks. Emphasis on the 'prettier' part.

Plus it's sort of a follow up on the fireworks bait on the insects.

Hearing that, another idiot suggested that since it was the second celebration, why not have it be two 'Explosion's.

Yeph.

Someone actually wanted two 'Explosion's to light up the sky in succession once more.

By the way, I know the crowd was being flooded by its own sea of loud voices but I'm pretty sure the second idiot who shouted that was Megumin herself.

Also, I was saying that like she mastered her skill or got more MP but it was truly a four man effort.

Megumin had to actually use up three people's, including hers, worth of mana to use two 'Explosion's in a row. Normally I, whose knowledge on 'Explosion' was only second to Megumin if we exclude Wolbach, would think that one more person was enough to cast another one but Megumin insisted on having two extra pools of mana this time.

Those people were Megumin herself, Wiz and Vanir.

Yeph, it actually took a Crimson Magic Clansman, a powerful Lich and the Duke of Hell to cast two 'Explosion's worth 100 points each in a successive manner.

What a troublesome spell that is.

The setup went like this like usual, Megumin would cast her 'Explosion' normally at the starry night sky and after that, Wiz and I would inject the now mana depraved, collapsed her with said mana using 'Drain Touch'. Normally I wouldn't be able to give much mana myself but thankfully Vanir was there to suck from.

Aqua, whose mana was vast as a goddess, was supposedly the person to suck mana from in the first place but she declined saying things like 'How could I have my holy mana be drained by an undead skill? No way, Nuh-uh, No is a no. Also why is my mana being mixed with a lich's, that's just an insult to me, you know.', so our attentions shifted to different people.

Our first thought as a replacement for her was the perverted crusader who insisted that we drain her dry but seeing she was just a meatshield with defensive abilities, we moved on.

Our next target was Yunyun, another Crimson Magic Clansman… but she was nowhere to be found in the festival. Really, where was she? Hopefully she didn't get lost in the festival… or worse, got tricked by the Axis Cultists lurking around.

Last option was Vanir himself.

We were quite low on options, you see.

Seeing Vanir as the last option, we suspected he'd decline telling us that it's just a waste of his time but much to our surprise, he agreed so casually, saying the lines of 'Moi couldn't care less right now! Moi managed to clear useless shop owner's debt using Moi own hands with how much Moi earned with this festival! Ahahahahaha! Moi is overflowing with positive emotions! It feels like I'm gonna die but whatever! Ahahahahah!-"

\- And that's how we ended up with that kind of set up.

"Heave-ho."

I uttered as I softly put the unconscious Aqua on her bed.

Sigh.

To think that I decided to unwind with Chris this evening only to take care of this girl in the end...

As something to and at the same time bid the night goodbye, I clapped my hands and said satisfactorily: "Well then, I should go to sleep as well…- Woah, woah, woah, that was close!"

Before I could finish what I was saying, I got interrupted by Aqua herself.

Aqua, whose body I arranged in what I thought was a comfortable position in the middle of the bed, suddenly rolled over towards the edge, nearly falling as she did it.

Of course, being a gentleman and at the very least a human being, I rushed in frantically to prevent her from having such a painful awakening…

Y-You damn goddess… could you at least stay put when you're sleeping drunk?

-After a few minutes of struggling against Aqua's self-exile to the side of the bed, it looks like it finally settled down. With a sigh of relief, I sat on the side of the bed as I take a glance at Aqua's bounded body.

Oh and by the way, by 'settled down', I actually meant "finding a rope and casting 'Bind' on Aqua's body.".

Sigh, I just drank a couple of hours ago but I think all of my drowsiness is all gone now thanks to trying to take care of Aqua.

Hmmm, if you look at the situation right now shallowly, it wouldn't be surprising to call it 'bad'. I mean 'guy with a tied up girl on the bed' bad too.

If this was a manga… then after these developments, the unconscious Aqua would wake up and scream sexual harassment or something worse after finding out I bound her to the bed or something like that..

…but too bad, this wasn't a manga.

I know, by the smell of said goddess right now, that she won't wake up till the next day.

I also am aware that she has a skill that can remove spells that are cast on to her at her own will, so I wouldn't really need to worry whether or not she can leave the bed once she wakes up.

Seeing as it's finally safe to let the arch priest be, I stretched my arms the furthest I can and decided to finally retire the night. I was going to do that but it seemed that the heavens don't want me to sleep yet.-

"Hey, Assistant-kun, could you.. move aside..."

"Huh? C-Chris?! What are you doing here? Weren't you just with Darkness, and oh, about this? Well I can explai-"

Chris, who appeared out of nowhere and was ignoring everything I was saying to her, collapsed to the bed where I put the sleeping Aqua.

"Can you... let me... sleep for now? Any bed can do... just let me lie and... fall asleep."

"Hey, Chris.. I know you're sleepy but this is Aqua's bed."

"..."

-And with that, Eris fell asleep too.

"Nah, Chris… wake up… nah… if you don't…"

Seeing Eris' defenseless state made me aware that, similar to Aqua's case, besides being a divine deity and a thief, she was a girl too.

I gulped my saliva and shook my head violently afterwards.

No, no, no. This isn't right, Kazuma. Stop looking at her that way. She's your Big Boss, your Eris-sama..

"…Senpai."

Eris let out a word unconsciously.

Thanks to that single word, all of the indecent thoughts that popped in my mind just now seem to have disappeared.

Senpai, huh.

As I take a good look at the two sleeping, I can't help but think of their situation like a long awaited reunion of a hard working workwoman and the Senpai she adores.

Well, is it that?

Hmm, I'd like to believe it is.

"Hmmm... hmmm…? 'Sacred Break Spell'… Hmmm…~"

"Eh?!"

Feeling something invading her zone of comfort (if there was any in her tied up position right now), the unconscious Aqua broke the bindings I gave her and shoved her hands in Chris' face, pushing the thief girl away and further to the edge of the bed.

Chris who was at this point too sleepy to even bother just went on and breathed softly.

-Big Boss, I couldn't help but think you're too carefree at times.

-And Aqua, even in your sleep, you still don't give a break to your junior, you damn selfish priest..

"Divine retribution.. Assistant-kun.."

"Divine retribution, ehehehe~.."

"Hmmm?!"

…Upon hearing moment shattering whispers from the two of them, hesitantly, I decided to finally make my way out of the room.

* * *

The next morning after the festival…

"Good morning... Assistant-kun."

"Good morning, hmmm.. is Aqua still sleeping?"

I greeted Chris who was taking breakfast in the mansion alone.

"Senpai's still sleeping like she hadn't slept for two days. Hey, care to join me?"

"I see. Yeah, sure."

I proceeded to sit opposite from Chris and begun taking my own breakfast.

"Hey, Boss, are you okay after yesterday? Frankly my head's still aching."

It was a stupid question to ask since of the obvious answer but it was still something to start a conversation with.

"Of course, I'm not. My saliva's sour, my throat's dry, and I feel like throwing up any second now."

I was asking for a conversation but with Chris' words just now, I felt regret dawning on me. I was going to bow down my head in defeat but…

"But even so, I still feel like what happened yesterday was fun! Hey, Kazuma-san, let's do that again sometimes."

Eris, head slightly tilting to one side, softly added while playfully closing one eye...

"If you say it like that, I wouldn't be able to say no, you know."

I gotta admit. Her ability to play with my emotions was truly something else.-

"-Oh by the way, Assistant-kun, have you seen Darkness or Megumin? I don't think I've seen them since last night."

Chris, who finished her breakfast before me, asked after standing up.

Darkness and Megumin, huh.

"I haven't seen them either, unfortunately. I can understand Darkness being out this early but Megumin? With yesterday's performance and overall festivities, I don't think she has the energy or motivation to come out till evening."

"Hmmm, that's weird indeed."

"-!"

Along with Chri's words was the main door opening violently. With it came two people entering the house.

"Kazuma, is Kazuma here?!"

"Oh, Darkness? You're here? Oh, and Megumin too? Hey, where have you guys been… hey, what's with that expression? ….Darkness?"

Darkness who barged into the mansion, had a serious expression in her face. Along her was Megumin with a stiff expression of her own.

"Hey, Kazuma! Change to your formal attire! And Chris, you might as well too! Quickly, someone clean the mansion! Hide the eccentric things you collected for now! Go out and have someone professional to fashion your hair and… and buy some damn furnitures while you're at it..!"

Darkness was panting as she said those words in a loud voice. It was as if she was running out of time.

"Hey, hey, slow down, Darkness. What exactly is going on?"

With a heavy breathe, she calmed down and soon she replied.

"Princess Iris is coming here for a visit."


End file.
